Bachelor Brad Week 7 - Antics in Anguilla

Ok – Alli K has lost interest in blogging presumably because she is so far behind in the standings. Hehe – just kidding Alli. I think work has gotten the best of her this week, so I’m taking the reins.

First we find out there are 3 one-on-ones and one group date with a rose. More to come on that later. First date card is handed to the ladies and – blow me over with a feather – it goes to Ms. Emily. I have to admit that the Brad / Emily romance is starting to bore me because he is so head over heels and scared of her and, frankly, I’m just not seeing it. Emily will be a Bachelorette within the next 18 months I’m guessing….

As the helicopter approaches, Ms. Emily shouts (well, shouting for Ms. Emily) Shut up! Brad, you do too much on our dates! (Because as we all know, Brad is really the mastermind behind these dates). Brad is so smitten that it’s a little uncomfortable to watch. It’s sorta like a 5th grader in love with his teacher and she’s trying to be nice. As the helicopter leaves, Brad says, “It’s just you and I kid.” Well, yeah, and the three helicopters circling the island and getting aerial shots, and the 12 – 15 camera guys standing there filming you. But, yeah, other than that – It’s just you and I kid.

The next few minutes are more than uncomfortable and I won’t bore you with the dialogue. They are both nice people, not right for each other.

Back at the resort, a new date card arrives, and I have to say – every time they put up Britt’s name and her profession as a “Food Writer” I just think she must be the worst food writer in the world. Has the girl ever had a full meal? She is so skinny that it’s painful to look at her. Eat a burger Britt!

Shawntel gets the date card and says oh my gosh – I was not expecting that at all. And Michelle says, “Yeah, neither were we”. Evil bitch!

Back to Emily and Brad – Brad is already planning to coach little Rickie’s soccer team, and Emily is still a little uncomfortable. These two just don’t have any chemistry. I’m sorry. Brad starts talking about hometown and Emily starts to make a deep sigh (which everyone from Brad to my dog picked up on) before Brad can even get the words out about meeting her daughter. Not good. The whole date goes downhill from there. Emily nails it on the head – “Why on earth would you think of proposing to someone when you haven’t met their daughter.” Um, exactly. I understand both sides, but this is getting awkward. Brad spills the beans and tells Emily not to stress because she is definitely getting a rose and that she can relax. Sadly, Brad doesn’t realize that getting a rose has never been a concern of Emily’s…

Shawntel’s one-on-one date – They go to a small town and ride bikes to a farmer’s market. Shawntel is “tripping out in my mind a little bit because this is like, my perfect date and he had no idea”. Hey Shawntel – remember filling out all those application forms and writing an essay about your perfect date and giving it to the producers???? Yeah, that’s probably how this came to be.

The date continues in the evening with Shawntel and Brad, and seems to be going well. I think I really like Shawntel – she does not need to be on this show. Way too normal. She needs to just get out of the funeral home and find her a good man who isn’t on an ABC reality show. Cheesiest line of the night – when Shawntel says, Chico is amazing, you’ll fall in love and Brad counters with “Maybe I already am.” And then follows that with an “OOOOOHH!” I was waiting for him to say BURN! Cheese fest.

More surprises – Bankie Banx – the most famous singer in the Caribbean. Okay, whatever. This may be the fakest of the fakest impromptu band party in the history of reality television. Brad and Shawntel go for a night swim in the ocean and Shawntel reveals the biggest tramp stamp I have ever seen. Holy crap!

A new date card! Poor Britt has lost a pound and half with worry and if she doesn’t get this card, will likely just float away. Thankfully Britt gets the card. Michelle breaks out the claws, “Brad and Britt are apparently setting sail on the sea of love. But I think there’s a good chance that their ship will go down.”

Britt is getting ready for her date – and putting on more make up than she’s worn on every other day of filming combined. Only to be followed with having to swim a half mile to the yacht. Hehehehe. Make up gone. Also – glad she was a swimmer. I would have asked the producers to run around the corner and find us a kayak or something because I would be exhausted by the time we got there. And poor Britt with those skinny little arms – it was all she could do to just doggy paddle her way to the ship.

Michelle’s inner (and let’s be honest, also outer) bitch is not to be quieted any longer, “Truly, you’re gonna use the yacht for Britt? Seems like a waste of a one on one to me.” “Britt and Brad. Although it sounds really cute…not only do I not see them getting married, I don’t even know if I see them friending each other on Facebook.” Michelle – you might want to put some concealer on that big zit between your eyebrows before you start being so evil.

Let’s take a moment to talk about Ashley’s hot pink sunglasses. Where did she get them? The skating rink in 1987??? Was there a claw machine at the airport and she had a few minutes to kill? Are those back in style and I missed it?

Cliff jumping – I have to give Britt credit – she totally acted like an adventure junkie until she got up there. Finally she hurls her little skeleton body into the water. Good for her. After doing that in Jamaica last year – I can say, it’s a lot scarier than it looks once you get up there (especially if you are a wuss like me and Britt).

Date card! Ashley, Chantal and Michelle. Michelle says – I really don’t want to go on a date with you guys. Yeah – judging by their faces Michelle – they don’t exactly want you there either. And with good reason.

Britt says she’s been in love a couple times already. At 25??? That’s not love Britt. That’s called dating. The date gets extremely awkward after that. Britt says – when you meet the right one you know – and after a 15 second pause, Brad says, uh, yeah. It goes swiftly downhill from there. Britt somehow grew an extra 2 feet of hair and found a negligee for her dinner. All I could think about was Daryl Hannah in Splash. I don’t know if this date needed more alcohol or what. But it was terrible. And poor Brad is trying to let her down easy and she keeps interrupting and seemingly has no clue he is breaking it off. Bless her heart. He is literally counting the seconds til she’s gone and he can take a big shot of tequila and forget the whole night. She won’t even let him break it off. She says we need to keep going and see if there’s something there. Stop Britt. He doesn’t want you. As evidenced by the way he put you on a dinghy and sent you back to shore. Awkward from start to finish. The girls yelling out when she arrived was kind of sad, because they are so excited to see her and then she starts packing.

Next comes the group date from hell. Seriously – maybe the worst date in Bachelor history. Chantal and Ashley address their insecurities, because let’s be honest – every girl is insecure about something related to her body. Well, except Michelle.

The photo shoot starts and I think the funniest thing was when Chantal took her top off and Brad all of a sudden got so embarrassed. “Uh, oh, it’s off.” But really – the girls were beautiful. Brad says he’s watching the other girls and it’s awkward and everyone was uncomfortable. But honestly it wasn’t until Michelle takes the floor. And then all hell broke loose. Michelle informs us that she’s not easily persuaded into taking her top off, but apparently soft core porn is not an issue. Cue the crickets.

Brad says he’s put himself in hot water here, um, you think??? Move on to the pool party and in an effort to calm everyone down – he’s giving them drinks made with anti-freeze. Seriously – what was that green crap they were drinking?

I won’t bore you all with the details of the next few minutes because we all saw it. The crazy was seeping out of Ashley from every pore. I did especially love when Brad took Michelle off for some alone time and they were on the balcony in front of Chantal and Ashley. It did creep me out though watching Michelle lick her lips seven times in thirty seconds. This isn’t Survivor bitch – get yourself some freakin’ chapstick!

Not sure why Brad picks Ashley for the rose. She was nuttier than a fruit cake. And shows it with her insecurity fest. Even Ashley herself says “I think I’ve ruined what Brad and I have”. And the next few minutes showed why. Good grief. Why did he give her the rose? She was nutso. And then jumping up, “BABE. You really scared me so bad.” Annoying. Chantal said it best, “I did not see that one coming.”

Brad has finally come to his senses and elects to skip the cocktail party. His mind is made up. In Allison Kessler’s honor – the photographs are back for a special guest appearance. One of my favorite Michelle lines ever, “I really wanted to talk to him. If I go home tonight I’m going to be f’ing pissed. The chemistry we have is so there. I wanted to pull him back in. I wanted him to come back to me.” She is a black widow spider.

Of course Ms. Emily gets the first rose. And after much drama – and I must say I do not appreciate that he keeps making Chantal wait til last – he gives Chantal a rose. Michelle’s exit was priceless. Brad asking if he could have her hand and her saying, “um, probably not.” Too funny. Michelle plays the victim right until the end and lays her precious little head down in the car seat.

I honestly think the best part of every episode is the outtakes at the end. I loved watching Chantal and Shawntel scaring Ashley. Too cute.

The previews for next week look awesome. I can’t wait! Let me know what you thought about the episode :)