First of all – I must apologize to Emily. Last week, I was convinced she was the love child of Dolly Parton and Tammy Wynette. This week, I figured it out. She is Ellie Mae Clampett. I love her, but she is. And you know it, so don’t be mad at me for saying it.
Quote of the night belongs to Michelle – “In the end – it will just be me and Brad in Tahiti – practicing making babies”
We start off with a one-on-one date with Ashley S who has a close second for quote of the night – “I know my accent is, like, really charming; but my singing voice is not”. Um, like, what??? The only person who thinks her accent is “like, really charming” is the casting agent from “Coal Miner’s Daughter”. Unfortunately, there isn’t a remake in 2011, so Sissy Spacek’s classic performance is more than safe.
Quote of the night from Brad “I picked the perfect girl for this” what you didn’t hear from him was his quote saying, “because she’s the only one that sings worse than me”. Wow. I can’t remember the last time I wished my satellite would quit working. Finally, we get to hear Seal belt out his greatest hit and the romance starts. Then Seal starts singing another one of his “hits”. Too bad the only song any of them have heard of was “Kiss from a Rose” so a little heavy petting commences. A little tip to Ashley S – save the thigh hold for at least the second date. On second thought, I guess considering you grabbed his butt on the introduction – you are probably up to the thigh hold already.
After that we move to a romantic location / aka we’ve had more wine – so Ashley S starts with the deep download on her daddy issues. Brad has no choice but to give her a rose.
Camera right to the recording studio and the action film. Michelle wants the ninjas to kidnap and murder the other girls in the desert. Nice.
Later, at the mansion – Ashley S has lost all her bathing suit cover ups and is sitting around in her bikini when Emily gets notice of a one-on-one date! Oh me, exclaims Ellie Mae. I hope Brad doesn’t run for the hills.
Back to the filming at the studio - Brad may be the worst actor in history. Shawntel, on the other hand, has the ability to kick your ass and then embalm you and make you pretty for your relatives afterwards. Yeah, Michelle – you’re right – Brad looked like he hated being kissed by Shawntel…
Back at the hotel, let’s jump in the pool! Brad pops the cork on a bottle of champagne that magically fills 10 glasses. First one-on-one time is with Chantal and also coincides with the release of the first tears of the evening. Surely, not the last. The big reveal - more Daddy issues! Are you kidding me? Luckily Brad developed a PhD in counseling in the last three years from his own Daddy issues, so I hope these girls are giving him a $30 dollar co-pay at least. I don’t mean to doubt the legitimacy of the girls’ tears, but normally after I tell my darkest secret, I don’t feel like striking a sexy pose and making out. Maybe that’s why I’m single…
Back at the mansion: Jackie – you just went up in my view with your declaration – “Ah, another red wine night”. Been there, done that…
Emily / Ellie Mae – you give Southern girls a good name. You’re beautiful and strong as battery acid. Love you.
Back to the pool – Alli, who I had forgotten was even there, steals Brad away; however, little does she know that evil is lurking. Michelle shows up. Michelle is 100%, no holds barred, bat-shit crazy. When she walked into the pool house, I was thinking Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. There are more than one bunny skeletons in that bitches’ closet! “Why don’t I ever get one-on-one time?” Um, maybe you should refer to last week’s episode where you manipulated not 1, but 2 one-on-ones. Brad – wake up – 2 weeks, 2 crying sessions. Send the bitch home!
Shawntel gets the rose! Woohoo! Anyone other than Michelle makes me happy!
Next morning – it looks like 10pm Friday night at the Sorority House and the last pretty girl is going out while all the ugly girls are watching movies, being jealous and eating pizza and raw cookie dough. Seriously ladies – you know Brad is coming over, at least put on a smile and wash the sleep out of your eyes!
I really appreciate how Brad keeps saying he has XYZ planned. Who does he think believes that? We’ve seen the show for 15 seasons – he has no say in anything. He “chose” Wine Country? Because he’s loaded and has a private plane? I think not Brad.
Madison – you’re more sensitive than I gave you credit for – you’re shedding tears over Ellie Mae’s story and her involved heart. I grew up on a farm – my dad has some big files that we use on horses’ hooves and we can help you with those teeth. You’re not a bad girl. I’m sorry for judging you so quickly.
Ellie Mae – spit it out. Stop stalling. When they walked in the barn with the candles on the ground – all I could think was – THE BARN IS GOING TO BURN DOWN. Don’t the producers realize that hay is DRIED grass??!?!?!?
Product placement number 1 – this date was sponsored by Cambria Vineyards. And finally – it’s coming out. I have to stop to get a tissue. If you’re not rooting for Ellie Mae – your heart is dead. I think Brad seriously has a thing for Emily – but even if he didn’t – he HAS to give the rose after that. (BTW - I’m still convinced Ellie Mae is the one that breaks his heart at the end!)
I’m not going to lie – when his therapist showed up – I snorted out loud. I don’t think therapy is supposed to be a made-for-tv moment. Also – I think a therapist isn’t supposed to give you advice and tell you what to do. He was bossy. Not a fan of “Jamie the LA therapist”.
Michelle feels confident. Wow – blow me over with a feather. Chantal (my number one) cracks a joke and everyone relaxes. Michelle makes a face with her beady eyes effectively putting a hex on everyone present. Seriously – the bitch is scary!
Alli tries to reel Brad in by sharing a sad Daddy story, but sadly, for her, since she didn’t shed tears, Brad didn’t fall for it and Michelle tries to steal him away again. Sorry Alli. You can’t win Brad by smiling when you share your dark secrets. He’s not looking for completely stable and well adjusted.
Chantal gets a moment with Brad and Glenn Close shows up again. Are you f’n kidding! Per Michelle – “you and I are in our first fight”. PA-SIKE-O. She obviously hasn’t seen this show before and has no idea how this show works. Sharing and fighting for and over the lone opposite sex person is how it works.
A few uneventful one-on-ones. And then – I’m starting to feel sorry for Madison again and wanting to call my dad to help her with those teeth. And then she pops them out. Now I’m freaked again. I’ve put a lot of things by my wine glass over the years, and I’ve put my wine glass by a lot of things, but my fangs – not so much! Yikes!
I got a chuckle watching the last one-on-one with Ashley H. She has figured Brad out and learned that she just needs to be a little tiny bit insecure and he will fold like a cheap tent. Good play Hermey the Dentist Elf.
Time for the rose ceremony and everyone is nervous – except crazy-ass Michelle. So loving Madison right now.
Michelle gets the first rose. Vomit. Chantal O – my girl - woo hoo. Madison shakes her head no and then broke down and kept the fangs out; definitely left things opening up to be a Bachelorette some day, sans fangs. She really turned out to be a much more interesting and sensitive girl than I gave her credit for. Brad wasted no time picking up his bourbon and getting back to the rose ceremony where Emily, Ashley S. and Jackie were holding their roses up like lighters at a Whitesnake concert. Kudos to the girls who kept giant smiles off their faces when he announced Madison was going home.
Of the leftovers I haven’t commented on – I don’t love Lindsey. When Brad called her name - “Excuse me, I need to get down there.” Really – you think they didn’t know that?? Take your fake red hair back to your Texas classroom. Dislike.
When the dust cleared – Kimberly – who I liked because she reminded me of Meghan from Rock of Love (lost on 99.9% of you) – Sarah P. – no reason to dislike - and Madison – who seriously grew on me – are gone. Next week looks like a knock down between Chantal and Michelle. My money and my bracket are on Chantal!!
If you haven’t paid Allison your money – make sure it’s on your to-do list.
So looking forward to next week!!
KC
Great job again Krysta. I seriously fear for those girls lives with that crazy whackadoo, Michelle. I really think if we did a background check, we would find something that would support a stalker theory or something. And for the love of God, can every girl please quit crying. The only one that should have cried was Emily since she had a real issue and all the rest are just doing it for show. Whateves! I do love Emily and would have made her my #1, but totally agree that she dumps his ass. She is better than that any way. Til next week!
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